Oh wow guys...I am feeling major guilt right now. My aunt Jackie just called me wanting to talk about mom. I guess when Jackie called her last night mom was really terse with her...so Jackie just point blank asked mom if she had done something to upset her. I myself have noticed her being short when we talk sometimes too and as if she is mad at me. Then she will say things like "I have been doing this for the past 16 years and what do I have to show for it? And I retire in 8 years...what then?" Really sounding depressed. Honestly, it was good that Jackie is seeing her as being depressed too and it isn't just me making that observation.

So anyway, Jackie asked if I would call mom's doctor and let her know that mom is not being honest about how she is feeling. Conte asks my mom every time if she is feeling depressed, down in the dumps, etc....asks about how she is feeling after chemo treatments...nausea, vomiting, cold chills, fever...etc. And mom is not being very honest. She told me in a phone conversation that she "just couldn't get warm" which to me indicates a fever and definatly cold chills after chemo and mom just answers Conte..."no, nothing like that." And about the depression -- "I'm just tired all the time".

I did call the nurse line for Conte and talked to them about mom's depression...that I don't think she is being very honest about how she is feeling and I wasn't sure what to do about it. The nurse said she would talk to Conte about it and put a note in mom's chart so Conte can talk to her about it when they see her Tuesday. Not exactly what Jackie was hoping for but hey I did call and action is being taken. I feel awful going behind her back like this. Told the nurse the same thing.

I guess come Tuesday she will either be really mad at me or not...don't know. But I do agree with Jackie and I am worried too. I go through moments with mom that I can't do it and have to step away because she is just pulling me into that dark place with her and I can't help her at all if I am there myself (told Jackie the same thing).

If this was your mother...would you do what I just did?

Wow...hard question.....You know your mother better than anyone....and you did it so you felt like it needed to be done. I want to say don't be so hard on yourself...you love her and you are doing what you feel needs to be done. If she gets mad at you she will get over it. We have to do what we think is best. Don't be so hard on yourself, you love her and that is the most inportant thing.

My thoughts are with you.

Please know that I am praying for you and your MOm and I'm hoping she gets herself some help and talks to her doctors soon.

Hugs. LOTS of hugs.

Heather I am sorry that you both are having this very hard time and know that you are in my prayers. I am just speaking from my own experience here as i had chemo for nearly a year. It is beyond tough and I personally think that it is natural to feel down when you are basically getting poisoned in order to get better. Your body is sooooo tired and sooo weak and it is all soooo frustrating. I know I had some very dark dark times and I said some very dark things, especially to Stevie. I am a very controlled person and I felt like I was loosing it. I think it is healthy to let yourself process these thoughts and emotions after all you are basically in a very hellish situation. Your mum is probably cold because she is sooooo drained this is exactly how I felt. I checked my temp constantly as this showed when I had an infection and was rushed into hospital. I couldn't have made it through without Stevie and my family. Whenever I would lash out with horrible words Stevie was there to calmly talk me through, I would have sunk without him. I was a nightmare sometimes and snapped etc, it's beacuse every bit of me felt so cra*p. I know it's really tough on you and send hugs. . Sending massive hugs to your brave mum Heather. X

I can't say if you did the right thing with your Mom or not, BUT, I can tell you how I felt when I was sooo sick, I sometimes felt like everyone wanted something from me.. they wanted me to be well and I wasn't.. I just got to the point where I wanted to be left alone.. where I could deal with how I was feeling and be scared, and such, and just do what I had to do. I couldn't do the things they wanted me to do to show them I was better. If that makes any sense. I don't think I was depressed, but, I had NO energy, I had NO appetite for months, its hard to be entertaining and such when you don't feel good, and Ellen and Birgit will chime in.. that feeling having chemo is like nothing you can understand if you haven't been there.

Just let her know you love her. Let the nurse, Dr. talk to her, they should have the experience to know how she is feeling, etc. Maybe she needs some fluids, I always felt better after the fluids.... the dehydration is terrible.

Don't worry she loves you!!!! And, like I said I don't think she is depressed, everything changes when you are going thru something like she is.. you have to face the fear, the sickness, the fear... its hard!!!!!

Give Rebecca my regards!!! She is always in my prayers!!!

Again just talking from personal experience. I was a lot like Judy and felt quite pressurised sometimes. All my loved ones where falling over themselves to cheer me up and all wanted me to be positive. I tried to be upbeat in front of them because this basically made them feel better. They kept suggesting I talk to a friend of a friend who had cancer and I really didn't want to do this. My immediate family and Stevie I could be myself with. I feel a million times better and am back to my normal self (bar some hormone issues) now that the chemo is over. I had a real low point mid way through the chemo and Stevie and mum kept me sane. Chemo is a real mental test, I think most people feel pretty low when they go through it.

Hugs to you both. x

Heather, I understand very well why you are feeling so conflicted.. but you shouldnt feel guilty.
You acted out of love and concern only. Even if your mom is upset initially.. she will realize this.

No one could give you better insight into this than those who've been through it, such as Judy and Ellen.
I felt overwhelmed just reading and visualizing the ordeal of the drastic physical effects of chemo - of dealing with feeling so utterly ill.
The mental and emotional fallout... I cant really imagine.
My heart goes out to all who find themselves in this battle... and my hat is off to them for their courage and strength.

My prayers and good thoughts are sent to your dear mom Heather, and I send you big hugs as well. How incredibly tough this must be for you.
Please dont be too hard on yourself.
You're doing all you can as a loving caring daughter, and are doing the very best you can in an extremely trying situation.

Not everyone even recognizes themselves they are depressed. What your Mom asked regarding "what do I have to show for .... " indicates some level of awareness/sadness/loss etc that I think she just isn't able to or doesn't feel comfortable about opening up about... again she may not really think she's depressed as she may just be incredibly impacted by the chemo and not used to "letting it all hang out."

I think trying to get your Mom's doctor to refer her to someone that she might feel "safe" with in terms of opening up would be a good idea if she won't to her own doctor. Also it might be good for your Mom to check out a group that she could be part of (at some point) that's professionally facilitated.

Aging is difficult enough for a woman but throw on top of that some devastating condition and the loss can just be more than one wants to recognize let alone deal with outwardly with loved ones or strangers.

Just be there and be patient. I think you're doing the right thing to intervene before there might be a crisis situation re your Mom's mental wellbeing. And yes it's important to have a professional involved to help with those feelings as it's something you cannot take care of yourself. You definately did the right thing.

After having gone through it my Mom I feel you did the right thing, it is important that her Dr. knows how it is affecting her, maybe they can help or maybe they need to change things. I understand what Ellen and Judy are saying also, but I also felt that being honest and candid with the drs. was important to get her through it.

She was scared of so many things but tried not to show it. I tattled more than once, yes she was upset with me but the drs and specialists working with her were able to sit her down and be very frank about some of the things she was doing, or not doing and feeling. That is not something I would not be able to do.

Thank you all for your replies. I TOTALLY agree about the "normalcy" if you will of the situation here. I think it IS perfectly normal to feel down and out when you are faced with this situation and it is happening to yourself! I know I don't understand fully what mom is dealing with...just that I know I would be terrified, self conscious, and no matter how many people I had around me who loved me -- I would feel alone as well. Those are only my preceived feelings of course as I am not in my mom's shoes. This is why I had such a struggle with my decision to contact the nurse. I have tried very hard to be considerate of my mom's feelings and when she is short with me, I try to over look it and be patient with her. Jackie made a good point however, mom has a "history" and falling in that dark place is dangerous. I think my mom is smart enough to know she has come a long way and she can't give up now...but sometimes our minds can play tricks on our common sense.

I was diagnosed with "associative depression" a few years ago...I tend to close up and become depressed when a situation becomes too difficult to process. Every day since the cancer surfaced has been a struggle for me to stay out of that dark place so I tend to get very angry (not outward to my mom of course) that she isn't trying harder to keep her head. I know that is selfish because I am not going through what she is so I can't possibly understand but I cannot allow her negativity to drag me down too or I cannot be here to help her. I guess that is part of the reason I spoke up -- Jackie is seeing what I am seeing and I'm allowing it to just go because of what mom is dealing with. And then I sit in stew in my own frustrations because I am afraid to speak up. My mom has always been like this even before the cancer...when she doesn't have the comfort when she wants it then everyone is angry with her (so she thinks) yet she will not accept invites to be a part of the lives of her family -- movie invites, dinner invites, going to family gatherings...etc. So under normal circumstance she behaves much like she is now and that is why this is so frustrating. I love my mom...she is all I have. And according to Jackie mom feels the same out me and apprently has been telling Jackie that she thinks I am mad at her lately. I'm not mad at all (ok a little...more frustrated) and when she starts to head to that dark hole...I HAVE to step back or I am going to be right there with her and no help at all in the situation. Like I told Jackie, I try to call every night and sometimes I get busy at home and it is too late to call but most of the time it is every night or at the very least every other night....but you bet a couple weeks ago...she went on her tangent about how no one loves her and her life sucks and I had to take a break...every day I called that week it was the same thing. So I didn't call for a couple days...I felt bad and ashamed of myself but also know I couldn't keep beating my head against a wall. I understand that she is the one facing cancer. I get that totally! And thankfully Jackie knows how I feel as the daughter of a mother facing cancer because she was there with mom when Grandma was so sick. But this is still so hard!